


lullaby for an anxious mind

by dizzy



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-01
Updated: 2017-07-01
Packaged: 2018-11-22 02:33:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,189
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11370765
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dizzy/pseuds/dizzy
Summary: Dan's having a pretty bad day.(Set immediately after his return from the Bahamas at Playlist 2017.)





	lullaby for an anxious mind

The lights are too bright. The crowds are too full. The noises of the theme park are too loud. 

Dan is so, so tired. 

He knows he's being too quiet. He's staring down at his phone too much. His heart is racing and he feels like he's on a ride that just won't stop. 

He just needs that place inside of himself, and he can't find it right now. 

* 

Phil notices. 

Phil always notices. 

He tries to soothe in small ways. The pressure of fingertips against Dan's elbow, a hand solid on Dan's leg when they sit and sip their drinks. He sits beside Dan on every ride, guides them from place to place so no one stops to ask Dan for an opinion. 

Phil is warm and charming, laughing and keeping up conversation with Cat and the other hangers on that seem to trickle by for a quick hello or a longer chat, despite the lack of invitation. Phil is good at things like that, walking the line on the side of polite but not encouraging. 

He's a human shield between Dan and the world right now, and Dan couldn't be more grateful. 

* 

He'll probably cry later. 

The stress of the day will catch up to him. The jerking roller coaster of emotion, the desperation and anxiety and adrenaline of not knowing where he was going to end up. Those miserable minutes where he thought he was going to be stuck. 

"What a first world problem," he'd joked in the van on the way to the parks. He'd been trying so hard to remember what normal people sound like, keeping up with the beats in conversation with their manager. "In paradise, oh no, poor Dan." 

She'd laughed, but Phil's smile had been troubled. 

When they're back to the hotel he'll tell Phil he needs a shower and he'll stand underneath the spray and cry some and hopefully that'll help. 

*

Cat finds other friends. 

Dan doesn't even realize she's leaving until she's standing to get her bag. He puts his phone down long enough for a goodbye but doesn't stand to hug her. She leans awkwardly half on him and he pats her shoulder instead. 

As soon as they're alone, Dan can feel Phil's eyes on him. 

"What?" He says, a touch defensive. He can't help it. 

"We should go back soon," Phil says softly. 

*

In the hotel, he starts to shake. 

"Let's take a shower," Phil says, and he disappears to start the water. 

Dan thinks of his plan to cry in the shower. He'll try not to cry in front of Phil, but if he does, that's all right. Phil understands, if not why the tears come then at least how to comfort Dan through it. 

The warm water will relax him, maybe even let him fall asleep without hours of thoughts bouncing loudly around in his brain. 

* 

Phil undresses him with uncharacteristically patient fingers. 

Dan's breathing is shallow again. It's less of a precipice itself and more like he's been on some kind of plateau and he can finally see the downhill climb. It's overwhelming in its own way. 

Phil lets him step in first, and he stands behind Dan and puts his arms around Dan's middle. The solid warmth of Phil all up and down the back of Dan makes Dan's breath hitch. He can't tell his heartbeat from Phil's but he can feel the movement of the breaths that Phil takes, and he times his own against them. He pushes back, feels Phil's soft cock against his ass, feels Phil's lips against his shoulder. 

He turns and wraps his arms around Phil and feels Phil's fingers through his hair then cupping fully over the back of Dan's head. Hard and fast, burning in his chest, and then everything is wobbling and his face his wet with tears and the spray from above and Phil can absolutely hear those choked sobs but he just holds on tighter. 

* 

Dan feels hollowed out and empty after, crawling into bed in just his underwear. "I want pizza," he says, pulling the duvet up to his chin and fisting his hands in it. 

Phil sits beside him, on top of the blanket. He rests one hand in Dan's damp hair. The touch relaxes another fragment of something held tense in him. Bit by bit, he is coming back to himself. 

"We can get pizza," Phil says, and he rings room service and he puts the television on a movie they've both seen before. 

They don't talk. The buzzing in his mind calms under the combination of Phil's hands on him, grounding him, and absence of a pressure to pretend he feels like a normal human being right now. 

*

Dan listens with a sleepy half-attentiveness to Phil's awkward encounter with the hotel worker. 

(He's probably tipping too much, he always tips too much because he can't do the percentages in his head and he forgets the value of American money and overcompensates.)

(Dan tips too much here, too, because he always ends up feeling mildly guilty that it's someone else's job to deliver unto him delicious cheese and carbs.)

"Phil." Dan sits up and smiles. "That's not just pizza." 

"There's pizza." Phil points to a plate with a personal sized pizza on it. It sits amidst a fresh salad and a massive plate of chips and at least three other plates, two of which contain desserts. His voice goes slightly softer when he says, "You didn't eat much today." 

Dan would protest more, but he's suddenly starving. "We're definitely taking up running again when we get back home." 

*

"Thank you," Phil whispers. 

They're nestled together in the darkness, close but only touching at specific points; bent knees and arms brushing. Dan never falls asleep easily, moving constantly with restless energy, but Phil does and the voice in the quiet stillness of the room startles Dan. 

"For what?" Dan asks. He whispers, too. 

"Going through all of that today, for me." Phil sounds upset, a hint of something that hadn't shown through earlier. "So you can stay with me." 

"Not just for you," Dan says. It's true; he wants to stay, he wants this for himself as much as because Phil asked. 

"But I know it's hard for you, and I didn't - I could have gone with you." 

"It wasn't supposed to be so difficult," Dan says, though in the back of his mind he wonders if there could have been any eventuality that wouldn't have led to him feeling like this. Had the cab driver been pleasant, had the beaches been beautiful, and all the engines been working just fine - the things in his head that make everything feel impossible would have just honed in on something else. 

"I'll go with you next time," Phil says. 

Dan laughs, a quiet exhale. "There had better fucking not be a next time." 

"Still," Phil insists. 

Dan rests a hand on his chest to settle him. Phil covers Dan's hand with his own and briefly squeezes. 

"It's fine," Dan says, and now in the aftermath when he can breathe again - it actually is.

**Author's Note:**

> Read this on [tumblr](http://alittledizzy.tumblr.com/post/162485512385/title-lullaby-for-an-anxious-mind-rating-t-word), or find me on twitter or tumblr @ alittledizzy! 
> 
> Thanks to Leela ([nihilist-toothpaste](nihilist-toothpaste.tumblr.com)) for beta reading. <3


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